There is currently vomit on my pillow. Vomit that wasn't placed there by me after a night of shooting tequila with my hairdresser-like the LAST time there was vomit on my pillow.
Surprisingly, I totally don't mind and plan on sleeping on it without washing it.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Dear Parks,
You're currently napping in your bassinet while your father watches and your mother takes a pain killer and has a glass of wine. If it was Saturday night I'd totally breast feed you just so we could have some good times together. But-since its Monday-I'm going to let you get your beauty sleep as your dad and I expect you to be employed by the end of the week to help out with the $24,000.00 hospital bill we got yesterday.
Tomorrow you will be two weeks old and we are slowly getting to know you. So far we've definitely established that you absolutely hate being naked and this lets me know that you are definitely not 100% my child. I'm pretty sure you get this from your grandmother. Your dad and I can't even wipe your ass without lots of screaming and then a little more screaming followed by some screaming. You scream so much your tongue resembles a tiny baby bird where it just rotates around your mouth without really touching the sides. That's a cool trick that I'm pretty sure you get from me.
One day when I think I can do it without crying, I will write your birth story. The only good part of that experience was when they finally let me see you thirty six hours after labor began and a full sixteen after they cut you out of me. For now, I will tell you that when they finally handed you to me-after a night in the NICU because you weren't breathing properly-my first instinct was to strip you completely naked and look at all your tiny little parts. I promptly did this and ascertained you came with everything required and it was all perfect. That and you had a full head of black hair. Your father and I marveled at this as we pretty much assumed we were having a blonde-headed blue-eyed Aryan baby that actually somewhat resembled one of us. This was not the case. You have curly black hair that seems to be some throw back gene from my Italian side. When your great-grandmother held you today for the first time with her still black hair at the age of almost eighty-it seemed to make sense.
After two short weeks I can't say that I've mastered all your moods or faces yet. But, I can say that your dad and I are learning a lot. And, I will never be able to explain to you how much more I've fallen in love with him over the past two weeks just watching how he cares for you. Maybe even as much as I've fallen in love with you after all the hours I've spent simply staring at your sweet face.
Love,
Mama
Tomorrow you will be two weeks old and we are slowly getting to know you. So far we've definitely established that you absolutely hate being naked and this lets me know that you are definitely not 100% my child. I'm pretty sure you get this from your grandmother. Your dad and I can't even wipe your ass without lots of screaming and then a little more screaming followed by some screaming. You scream so much your tongue resembles a tiny baby bird where it just rotates around your mouth without really touching the sides. That's a cool trick that I'm pretty sure you get from me.
One day when I think I can do it without crying, I will write your birth story. The only good part of that experience was when they finally let me see you thirty six hours after labor began and a full sixteen after they cut you out of me. For now, I will tell you that when they finally handed you to me-after a night in the NICU because you weren't breathing properly-my first instinct was to strip you completely naked and look at all your tiny little parts. I promptly did this and ascertained you came with everything required and it was all perfect. That and you had a full head of black hair. Your father and I marveled at this as we pretty much assumed we were having a blonde-headed blue-eyed Aryan baby that actually somewhat resembled one of us. This was not the case. You have curly black hair that seems to be some throw back gene from my Italian side. When your great-grandmother held you today for the first time with her still black hair at the age of almost eighty-it seemed to make sense.
After two short weeks I can't say that I've mastered all your moods or faces yet. But, I can say that your dad and I are learning a lot. And, I will never be able to explain to you how much more I've fallen in love with him over the past two weeks just watching how he cares for you. Maybe even as much as I've fallen in love with you after all the hours I've spent simply staring at your sweet face.
Love,
Mama
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Child Birth Is Gross
There's really nothing like waking up at 5:30am to an enema, is there? That indignity ended up being a little LESS disgusting then I assumed. Easy in, easy out. I then got to bathe (somewhat), had pitocin put into my IV and the doctor walked in and broke my water. Now, with every contraction, a slow steady warm trickle of water comes out of me making me think that I'm peeing myself and can do nothing to stop it.
Hold on...contraction. SON OF A BITCH. Those do hurt. Thank God they aren't too close together yet.
I cannot WAIT until they will let me have drugs. I'm pretty sure they would give me drugs now...but I want to make sure that I have enough drugs to make it through this experience. The nurse was careful to tell me that the IV pain meds only really worked well the FIRST TIME. After that, all bets were off until you were 4cm and could get an epidural.
After the last contraction....I WANT AN EPIDURAL.
I must sign off to moan. This sucks.
Hold on...contraction. SON OF A BITCH. Those do hurt. Thank God they aren't too close together yet.
I cannot WAIT until they will let me have drugs. I'm pretty sure they would give me drugs now...but I want to make sure that I have enough drugs to make it through this experience. The nurse was careful to tell me that the IV pain meds only really worked well the FIRST TIME. After that, all bets were off until you were 4cm and could get an epidural.
After the last contraction....I WANT AN EPIDURAL.
I must sign off to moan. This sucks.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Ambien Gods Why Has Though Forsaken Me?
I can't sleep. It's hot. As a bonus-or rather after much gnashing of teeth and whimpering -the nurse managed to drag in an old school box fan they use for "women in labor" since apparently we are unable to cool off. Hmmmm, maybe its all the prostaglandins shoved in my vagina. Who knows? All I do know is that I'm probably getting about forty-five minutes of sleep tonight before the day starts at five-thirty. They will then remove the Cervadil, give me a shower, and start the Pitocin.
Despite Ben and I's best efforts BOTH sets of parents have nonchalantly decided they would come to the hospital in the morning. They said they didn't have to be in the room. They just needed to be close to us. Hell, Ben's mom offered to sit in her car in the PARKING LOT as long as she was allowed to get that close. I'm about to give up on my previously well-defined boundaries, tell the nurse to bring me my IV pain medication, and sail through the morning with both sets of parents in the room watching my Extremely High Falutin Cervix run away from the masked and gloved hands of perfectly well meaning nurses. One of whom couldn't actually find the correct, um, HOLE earlier...That should make everyone really comfy, shouldn't it?
Despite Ben and I's best efforts BOTH sets of parents have nonchalantly decided they would come to the hospital in the morning. They said they didn't have to be in the room. They just needed to be close to us. Hell, Ben's mom offered to sit in her car in the PARKING LOT as long as she was allowed to get that close. I'm about to give up on my previously well-defined boundaries, tell the nurse to bring me my IV pain medication, and sail through the morning with both sets of parents in the room watching my Extremely High Falutin Cervix run away from the masked and gloved hands of perfectly well meaning nurses. One of whom couldn't actually find the correct, um, HOLE earlier...That should make everyone really comfy, shouldn't it?
May All Your Drugs Be As Good As Mine
Its currently 10:30pm and the Cervadil has been in for about two and a half hours. These were definitely two and a half of the most uncomfortable hours of my life. I'm sure only more are to follow.
The hospital called while we were driving in to see where we were. They had us scheduled for a 5:30pm "check-in" (doesn't that just sound like we are on a fabulous holiday vacation?) and our paperwork said 7pm. I must say I'm super happy we weren't here at 5:30pm as that would have meant another hour and a half of nurses searching for my Amazingly High Cervix. Seriously. It seems my Cervix (for some damn reason) is located in the vicinity of my left lung. And let me tell you, I feel every inch of that groping. I swear, I think the nurse almost got angry at me for having the gall to have a cervix so high and mighty.
So far the schedule meant the Cervadil was put in and I had to lay flat on my back for two hours. Ben and I watched "My Bloody Valentine 3D". I found it appropriate for the time being. There is one girl that runs around completely butt nekkid for at least twenty minutes in the movie. This made me feel better about just my butt hanging out when Ben had to help me, my IV pole, and my fetal monitor all pee. After peeing, where I "blotted-not wiped" for fear of losing my Cervadil string, I sat back in bed and was allowed to take two Ambien and actually raise the bed to a level that no longer makes me feel like this baby is slowly strangling me.
The one cool part of the evening? The fetal monitor allows us to fall asleep to the sound of Park's heart beat.
Oh, and I got to sign her name as her "Mother" for the first time tonight. Writing it out was surreal.
Ben saw some five pound twins in the nursery. They looked HUGE. She's going to be the size of both of them together. This might make my cervix completely slam shut in protest.
I'm assuming I'll be seeing the sweet, sweet white lights of the Ambien Gods calling soon. The day starts early at 5:30am when they take out the Cervadil and allow me a shower before starting the Pitocin.
I'm going to try to sleep at least a little before all this begins.
The hospital called while we were driving in to see where we were. They had us scheduled for a 5:30pm "check-in" (doesn't that just sound like we are on a fabulous holiday vacation?) and our paperwork said 7pm. I must say I'm super happy we weren't here at 5:30pm as that would have meant another hour and a half of nurses searching for my Amazingly High Cervix. Seriously. It seems my Cervix (for some damn reason) is located in the vicinity of my left lung. And let me tell you, I feel every inch of that groping. I swear, I think the nurse almost got angry at me for having the gall to have a cervix so high and mighty.
So far the schedule meant the Cervadil was put in and I had to lay flat on my back for two hours. Ben and I watched "My Bloody Valentine 3D". I found it appropriate for the time being. There is one girl that runs around completely butt nekkid for at least twenty minutes in the movie. This made me feel better about just my butt hanging out when Ben had to help me, my IV pole, and my fetal monitor all pee. After peeing, where I "blotted-not wiped" for fear of losing my Cervadil string, I sat back in bed and was allowed to take two Ambien and actually raise the bed to a level that no longer makes me feel like this baby is slowly strangling me.
The one cool part of the evening? The fetal monitor allows us to fall asleep to the sound of Park's heart beat.
Oh, and I got to sign her name as her "Mother" for the first time tonight. Writing it out was surreal.
Ben saw some five pound twins in the nursery. They looked HUGE. She's going to be the size of both of them together. This might make my cervix completely slam shut in protest.
I'm assuming I'll be seeing the sweet, sweet white lights of the Ambien Gods calling soon. The day starts early at 5:30am when they take out the Cervadil and allow me a shower before starting the Pitocin.
I'm going to try to sleep at least a little before all this begins.
What is in a name...
Ben wanted to name this "Parks and Recreation". I think that's actually funny except the next 24 hours will probably be anything but "recreation" for me considering the shear number of people who will be putting fingers and other extraneous instruments up my Woo-Ha. So, until then, it's officiall "Parked"-like my butt on a puppy pad-laden hospital bed.
We check into the hospital at 7pm where the first part of the induction process begins. For those wanting technical terms, it means they place the first dose of Cervadil on my cervix to get it to "thin out" or efface. For others wanting more intimate details of my nether regions, I am currently 1.5cm dilated and 80% effaced as of last check up. Hopefully the Cervadil gets us to 100%.
Then, at 7am in the morning they start me on a drug called "Pitocin". This is the man-made version of "Oxcytocin"-the hormone that starts labor naturally in women that, well, START LABOR NATURALLY (Hint Parks, get out of Mama's uterus-I don't know if ten pounds is your personal "goal weight" before meeting mom and dad...but, please, save some "goals" to reach once your here. Your mom's vagina will thank you for it.)
For those NOT wanting technical terms, "Cervadil" is a fancy smancy word for MODIFIED PIG SEMEN. I haven't told Ben this yet because I don't want to hear all the jokes that are to follow. Just know that for some reason, Pig Semen carries the same prostaglandins as human male semen (both of which soften the cervix). Ben got me to 80% and some poor pig had to die to get me to 100%. Pigs really are nice animals.
We are off to the movies and to eat despite me placed on "bed rest" for my horrible swelling. This is mainly because if I watch one more Discovery Health show about child birth and collapse into tears Ben might divorce me and I might run away and not show up at the hospital until they've discovered ways to remove babies from bodies that don't involve my vagina or an elective C-section.
Come on people...get on that!
We check into the hospital at 7pm where the first part of the induction process begins. For those wanting technical terms, it means they place the first dose of Cervadil on my cervix to get it to "thin out" or efface. For others wanting more intimate details of my nether regions, I am currently 1.5cm dilated and 80% effaced as of last check up. Hopefully the Cervadil gets us to 100%.
Then, at 7am in the morning they start me on a drug called "Pitocin". This is the man-made version of "Oxcytocin"-the hormone that starts labor naturally in women that, well, START LABOR NATURALLY (Hint Parks, get out of Mama's uterus-I don't know if ten pounds is your personal "goal weight" before meeting mom and dad...but, please, save some "goals" to reach once your here. Your mom's vagina will thank you for it.)
For those NOT wanting technical terms, "Cervadil" is a fancy smancy word for MODIFIED PIG SEMEN. I haven't told Ben this yet because I don't want to hear all the jokes that are to follow. Just know that for some reason, Pig Semen carries the same prostaglandins as human male semen (both of which soften the cervix). Ben got me to 80% and some poor pig had to die to get me to 100%. Pigs really are nice animals.
We are off to the movies and to eat despite me placed on "bed rest" for my horrible swelling. This is mainly because if I watch one more Discovery Health show about child birth and collapse into tears Ben might divorce me and I might run away and not show up at the hospital until they've discovered ways to remove babies from bodies that don't involve my vagina or an elective C-section.
Come on people...get on that!
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